| cold. |
[26 Nov 2006|03:10pm] |
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I'm drained from trying to solve the mystery of my own misery.
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| none |
[16 Jan 2006|09:25pm] |
| [ |
music |
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alkaline trio - mr chainsaw |
] |
The record re-release show for one dead was awesome. Working the merch table got a bit hectic but they are all good dudes and deserve all the help they can get. Reality kicked my ass last night though. I was watching Tim and the way he would motion his hands and scream and kick..it felt almost as if I was up there. All of his emotion ran right through my veins and fucked my head up pretty bad. Katie even asked me if I was okay. This is all just so much to take in at once. Six days from today I will be well on my way to a new life. a new home. a new family. new friends.
I'm burying this hurt and I refuse to look back.
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[12 Jan 2006|09:41pm] |
Today the weather was beautiful. Infact it inspired me to go for a drive and the drive led me right back to the Pawn shop where I left the ring last Monday. The Pawner, if that is even a word, was surprised to see me so soon. Once I had the infamous ring back in my possesion I sat in the car and placed it on the dashboard. It's glare reminded me of all of the fun Matt and I used to have. Our pancake fights, late night wawa runs, our pathetic attempt at getting the whirlpool tub in our hotel room to work, how he always rewarded me with kisses any time that i'd do something clumsy. Maybe the love I felt was something my mind and heart conjured up in order to fill in the voids for past failed relationships. This is what I would like to believe but fuck, Matthew McSorley, I will never forget you. God damn you & that sweaty bitch Jen.
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| "YOU!" "IN THE BATHROOM! RIGHT NOW!" |
[05 Jan 2006|05:05pm] |
Two nights ago I did the last of my mourning. I parked at that spot we'd always go to just to talk about life. I sat on my car hood and watched the city lights. I screamed and kicked and got all the rage out of my malnutrioned and sleep deprived body.
I dyed my hair and worked out yesterday. Later in the evening I stopped at Las Margaritas and within seconds of walking in, the bartender rushed to me and I started talking in my sweet ass spanish flow, you know, flirting a little and he gave me drinks on the house and I ended up having a great time.
Got trashed on the R3 with Laycee and Sara. We went to Woodys and had the time of our lives. Me and Sara danced with an old man with a mustache. It was pretty amazing. Just like the garlic knots we ate at 3 am. That shit hit the spot real good.
Oh, P.S
I switched to active duty and leave to bootcamp jan 23rd. Leave a comment with your address so I can write to you.
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| one of the great ones. |
[02 Jan 2006|06:55am] |
seven minutes til seven in the morning and I still haven't slept a solid hour since the night before new years eve. My eyes are puffy, my chest feels like someone stuck a knife in it and my hair is a disaster. Believe it or not, I feel like I could snag a few guys even looking like this. Anyways, The engagement is off because Matt apparently was fucking his nigger junky ex girlfriend since August and I happened to just find out this afternoon after spending almost two consecutive weeks with his entire family and announcing our engagement last night at dinner. What an awesome way to kickstart the new year!
2006 is going to be life changing. I am looking into leaving to bootcamp within the next two months rather than June 5th, and I have big plans. Big Big plans.
My alarm clock just sounded. I'm going to get a shower now and paint my nails, do my hair and get into my most killer outfit. Danielle and Katie are taking me to brunch. Afterwards I think i'll hit the gym at the base and then maybe just sleep for the rest of the evening.
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| my wishful thinking came true. |
[19 Dec 2005|03:06am] |
Matt called me earlier and asked what I was doing tonight. I responded by saying "I'm doing you". And to my surprise I was right. His dad called and asked me to come over to wrap christmas presents and he was there, hiding in a closet and waiting for me to show up.
He gave me little souveniers from Arizona and we played nintendo 64. I could get real graphic and post about how great it felt to have him inside me, but I won't.
MY FIANCE. ALL MINE.
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[14 Dec 2005|11:00am] |
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Earnest Daye always wore big dark sunglasses, even when he was indoors. I remember the smell of his leather jackets and the sound of his heavy boots. He was my grandfather, but I didn’t know that. I knew him as the dark skinned man who would come to all of the family parties. By the time I was ten, I realized who he was and that I would never have a relationship with him.
He and my grandmother split up and he had remarried a very controlling woman that same year. Shortly after that he stopped coming to all of the family functions. No phone calls, no birthday cards, no anything. I knew nothing about this man other than stories I’d heard of him getting drunk and beating on my grandma. He was a dead-beat for sure. I grew up without knowing him. He was diagnosed with cancer about six years ago and I accompanied my Aunt Gina visit him one day. He looked at me and said nothing. I spent three hours sitting on his mothball smelling sofa, watching Hawaii 5-O reruns and still, no word from him. I don’t think he ever loved any of his grandchildren. Not if he let another woman come in between us. Oh but of course he felt the need to call us whenever he was hospitalized or needed a favor. His wife was a fat lazy piece of shit that leached off of social security income all her life.
Last May he fell into a coma and was on life support. I was living in the dorms at Kutztown University when I got the phone call. My mom was crying and said he would be dying any day now. It was almost as if she expected me to mourn with her, but I didn’t know how to mourn someone I barely knew. The day of the viewing I went solely for the support of my mother and as soon as I laid eyes on his casket I began to bawl like a baby.
I wasn’t sad, I was hurt. He lived no more than a twenty minute drive from me my entire life and I never even had a conversation with him. He was my grandfather, my blood, my family. My fists were clenched tightly. I wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time. I wish I could have known him.
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[13 Dec 2005|10:59pm] |
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so I'm sitting here, just chillin. The roots' lyrics are vibrating through my head phones. The aroma of peach lotion and Guess perfume somehow manage to sneak into my nose with every nod to the music. I am almost finished reading Dwayne Murray Sr.'s "The mouse that roared". It was actually just released no more than two weeks ago. I think i'll prepare myself a bath with the extra bath salts I have left from my trip to Cali and perhaps finish reading the book while half submerged under the warm water.
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| Hello, Goodbye. |
[01 Dec 2005|12:45am] |
I usually show up to work or at least the rittenhouse square area half hour before my shift starts and last night I ran into an old co-worker. He treated me to coffee and we caught up on the recent.
He seemed psyched to have run into me, but honestly, I find it so amusing when guys that don't know me very well try to give me that "you're the coolest girl ever!" speech. Fuck you! Spend your money on me and go about your own business sweetheart.
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| It's the little things. |
[27 Nov 2005|12:19pm] |
Like getting a big kiss on the cheek from Rays dad.
Like my boss giving me an extra twenty bucks for being awesome.
Like 2 a.m wawa runs for soup.
Like laughing hysterically with my aunt Damaris.
Like getting treated to coldstone icecream.
Like going crazy with Jason in my car to the same lil' Kim song seven times.
Like feeling extra girly with new jewelry and clothes.
Like every zion y lenox song.
it's the little things that kept me alive this week.
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| JETLAG |
[17 Nov 2005|02:24pm] |
Even after a very uncomfortable seven hour flight to Los Angeles I still didn't believe I was going to see Matt again. Reality didn't kick in until he pinned me against the wall a few times, but seriously California was amazing. I was up the next morning at 7 am to run a few errands while he slept. I picked us up some breakfast and we spent that afternoon being lesbians in the whirlpool tub. He lit an entire pack of those one-time use candles and romanced me all up. Later that night Drew came by and we hungout and drank a little. The next morning we had a pancake fight and went shopping. Mostly he just took me to scenic places like to the edge of this one cliff that leads to the ocean and to this pier at night. Saturday came rolling around and we got prepared for the Ball. Right as we were getting out of the car he started moving around a lot and looked shady. I'm just standing there waiting for him to put on and fix his dress blues uniform and he pulls out this little box.
"Hey, I got this for you.."
"Will you marry me?"
"YES! (insert smiling, hugging and kissing here)
I can't say I didn't see this coming because well, because i'm just that awesome, but wow. we're engaged.
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[06 Nov 2005|10:23pm] |
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"I'm gonna cum all over your blue dress if you don't give me my earth crisis hoodie back"
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| HELL YEAH. |
[06 Nov 2005|02:34am] |
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Hibachi scallops are now officially my new favorite food. Dogs like Roxy and Bowie make me wish Laika was a puppy again. She's gotten so mean and grumpy. I spent most of my afternoon ball gown hunting at King of Prussia. I found 90 dollar jeans for 19 dollars and I must say...My ass looks incredible in them.
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| INSERT RELEVANT LYRICS HERE. |
[27 Oct 2005|05:51am] |
When you're left with only a bullet
I'll bring a trigger and a promise to pull it
I'll be the end of everyone who's ever entered your life
And taken pieces out of it
I'll give you enough time to regain your composure
To reconstruct a heart that's torn apart from over-exposure
I know forever isn't long enough to forget the faces
And places that played out your tragedy
Memory defeats us all
I've touched the stagnant water and bloody walls
Of the trench where you've been sleeping
And there's nothing there worth keeping
There's nothing there worth keeping
Or believing
So on the eve of the attack
Finger trace the targets on their backs
And open fire
(Just hold on until they're gone)
So with this kiss, I promise to
Never forget what you
Did for me, you did for me
(I felt the sun
on my face
for the first time,
and tasted blood
on my tongue
for the last.)
When you're left with only a bullet
I'll bring a trigger and a promise to pull it
I'll be the end of everyone who's ever entered your life
And taken pieces out of it
I'll give you enough time to regain your composure
To reconstruct a heart that's torn apart from over-exposure
I know forever isn't long enough to forget the faces
And places that played out your tragedy
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| 100% |
[12 Oct 2005|10:24pm] |
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"smile and act like nothings wrong..its called putting shit aside and being strong"
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| FLU |
[10 Oct 2005|08:53pm] |
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| SUFFERING THE LOSS |
[10 Oct 2005|12:38pm] |
This morning I woke up choking. The interesting part about this was that I was dreaming I had a huge ice cube stuck in my throat and could not breathe. The human-mind is fascinating! I learned in Psych that when we're asleep, our sensory neurons send mixed signals to our brains and it interprets them in weird ways through dreams! This all makes sense considering i'm sick with the flu and my nose is stuffy.
Anyways, I went to cvs in my grover pajamas and long detective style trench coat with a booger tshirt at hand. I'm so gross. You love it.
I took the medicine I bought and bummed around for a while. I was thinking of the time Matt got his face painted at the Aquarium and how after we left, he grabbed me and gave me lots and lots of kisses so the paint could smear all over my face. Then he gave me that little puppy dog look like " I didn't do anything". The thought of this resulted in me crying, coughing and laughing all at the same time.
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| PHL to LAX; NOV 10TH |
[08 Oct 2005|11:03pm] |
I had Omar make me a chop to go; with red onions, grilled corn, tortillas, black beans, salami, chicken, mozzarella, provolgne, and roasted garlic alioli. This shit is bangin'
My night wasn't so bad. I trained a new girl at work and ended up making pretty decent money, which is all going to a new tattoo at the end of this month. I don't know whether I should take off from work the day of or the day after...the next day is usually when the pain starts kicking in though. my poor ribs.
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| MICHAEL JACKSON. |
[02 Oct 2005|02:19am] |
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Katryn and I had another ladies night out. We met up with her friend Rene at a bar and had a few beers. I made both of them laugh their asses off and then we went to the pub for some munchies. I'm so glad I hungout with her tonight. She's definitely someone I can see myself being friends with until i'm old and crusty.
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